The bridal shower and the kitchen tea; does anyone really know what distinguishes them? Cathryn Brooke investigates the difference between the two, and looks at what you can do to make yours unique.

Before you walk down the aisle into wedded bliss you firstly have to make your way through a few pre-nuptial parties, which can be more confusing than you think. There’s the engagement party, rehearsal dinner, bridal shower, kitchen tea, and of course the hens night. By the end of it you may be left wondering if you will ever make it to the aisle! But the biggest pre-nuptial party decision you’ll have to make is: bridal shower or kitchen tea?

Should you have both, or just choose one or the other? And what exactly is the difference between a bridal shower and a kitchen tea? There is a common misconception that the kitchen tea is a modern spin on the bridal shower, but there are subtle differences between the two which are helpful to know when you’re planning your party!

THE BRIDAL SHOWER
Legend has it that there was once a beautiful girl from Holland who fell in love and became engaged. Her father didn’t approve of her fiancé, and in an attempt to thwart the wedding he refused to pass on her bridal dowry. But his plan didn’t work, and the young girl chose to marry the boy regardless. Everyone from the town, in a bid to assist her, gave her gifts to help her set up her new matrimonial home, and so began the tradition of the bridal shower.

The purpose of the bridal shower isn’t just based on receiving gifts to deck out your new home, but has taken on the more significant role of giving the bride some quality time with close friends and family before the wedding.

Over the years the bridal shower has evolved into an occasion that brings everyone together to relax before the big day. It has been revised since its traditional heyday, giving you plenty of options for celebrating.

KITCHEN TEA
A kitchen tea is a lot like it sounds; traditionally a kitchen tea is either held at someone’s house or at a restaurant, followed by games and present giving. It resembles the bridal shower as it is typically a female-only occasion, but it varies in the type of presents the guests give the bride. Like the name suggests, the focus is on the kitchen, so guests are expected to bring anything kitchen-related that the bride could need in married life. The gift is supposed to be a small token to help set up the couple’s home.

The kitchen tea is intended to make sure that the couple are set up with the little things they might need, which are often overlooked at the main bridal shower.

PARTY TRADITIONS
It traditionally fell upon the maid of honour and the bridesmaids to organise the bridal shower, as it was considered a greedy gift-grabbing ploy if they were hosted by any member of the bride’s family. The shower would be held at the host’s house with only female friends and family of the bride and groom, and would take place in the afternoon or evening – generally not as a lunch or dinner party – about four to eight weeks before the wedding.

The shower was usually spontaneous and informal, with guests surprising the bride with a casual party when she least expected it. During the shower, the guests gave the bride small homeware gifts, which were opened one by one and passed around. The ribbons from the gifts were collected and stuck to a paper plate, creating the rehearsal bridal bouquet.

The kitchen tea, while also held mid to late afternoon, differs as it focuses solely on kitchenware gifts. This can include anything from measuring spoons, to recipe books and cutlery.

The kitchen tea was regarded as a ladylike occasion, consisting of the bride’s older family friends and relatives instead of just her friends (they had the hens night to prepare for!). It was often a high tea with delicate cuisine – mini gourmet sandwiches, scones, cupcakes and small pastries all served on dainty china or silver platters.

Despite how formal or informal you want your kitchen tea, it is all about elegance. Even the games reflect this; blindfolding the guests and having them guess what food they are sampling is a popular choice, followed by dressing the bride in items from the kitchen (like a tea towel gown), and providing the bride with an assortment of ingredients and having her whip up a meal for her husband-to-be!

MODERN OPTIONS
Some things never change, and the ribbon bridal bouquet and gift giving ceremony at bridal showers have firmly held their own over the years. The rest of the bridal shower has become more open-minded and adopted an ‘anything goes’ approach.

The bridal shower can happen anytime, from six months to a few days before the wedding, and it is perfectly acceptable for your mum or another family member to host it for you. It has become less popular to surprise the bride with a bridal shower, and with all the options available it can sometimes be helpful to point the bridesmaids (or mum) in the right direction.

If you feel like you don’t want to be separated from your groom for the shower, you don’t have to be; men are frequently being invited into the bridal shower world with ‘Jack and Jill’ parties, or you can follow in Kim Kardashian’s footsteps and have your groom make an appearance during the shower.

But this isn’t the biggest change the shower has undergone. It can be formal or informal, ranging from a champagne breakfast to an outdoor barbecue to a three-course dinner. If you prefer a day of pampering you could even have your shower at a day spa.

Bridal showers now have an emphasis on creating a theme that reflects your interests.

Regardless of where you have your shower, you can use a specific passion (like art, gardening, travelling, etc.) to theme your shower. Not only is it fun to add special touches to the invitations, gifts and entertainment, but a theme also makes your shower more personal.

If you’re having trouble picking just one specific theme, there are plenty of general shower themes which provide just as much amusement, such as ‘around the clock’ parties where each guest has to bring a gift for a certain time of day or a ‘what can’t you live without’ party, with the gifts reflecting what the guests think they couldn’t live without.

The kitchen tea, in comparison, tends to remain true to its original style. It is still predominantly seen to be a female-only event, and hasn’t ventured from the classic afternoon tea party.

However, that doesn’t mean you can’t put your own spin on it, and in recent times the kitchen tea has branched out to incorporate other themes, so you can personalise your party.

As most people are already equipped with a wide variety of kitchenware, you can extend the theme to other rooms of the house. Be as creative as you like; bathroom tea, bedroom tea, library tea and wine cellar tea are just some of the options. Customising your party to your interests allows you more flexibility around the games and entertainment. It might also inspire you to have the tea party at a venue unique to the theme; if you had a garden theme you could have high tea at the Royal Botanic Gardens, for example.

Don’t forget that giving homewares was easier when neither the bride nor groom had moved out of home and were starting from scratch. Now it can be a good idea to have a registry so your guests don’t spend money on something you already have.

Whether you prefer the traditional format or a more modern take on the bridal shower and kitchen tea, it is all about reflecting your personal style and making it a comfortable and relaxed day for everyone. Most importantly, it gives you time out from all the preparations!

THE DECISION
Many people interchange the terms bridal shower and kitchen tea because they create something in between. The two different events are very similar, but have a significant difference when it comes to the theme and style; a kitchen tea is purely related to helping the bride fill out her kitchen, and a bridal shower is broader and relates to the entire home. That said, either of them have the potential to be shaped the way you want them.

Still unsure which way to go? If you like the idea of having both, perhaps you could host a kitchen tea with your family and older relatives, and have a bridal shower with your friends and close family.

Whichever you choose – a bridal shower or a kitchen tea – you can create a day that allows you to relax with your friends and family to celebrate the upcoming nuptials. At the heart of both parties is lovely food, great company, relaxation and fun … and a few things to add to your marital home!